ARRANGED, LOVE OR DERANGED MARRIAGE? Who decides? What is it Really?

Lets face it, we have all heard of an arranged marriage yeah? So why is there so much confusion in understanding this in Western society. Doesn't the word speak for itself? Is it our white counterparts confused about this term and practice or have we as British Asians confused the concept? WHO IS MISUNDERSTANDING WHO? This is the million dollar question. As a British born Asian, some may say I'm confused but I'd like to call it 'balanced'. Huh? Again, different words for the same issue. Why is that as Asians, we can't seem to agree on what an arranged marriage is? After all, we all have them or know of someone who has had one. Lets start with me. I am a graduate and currently studying on a masters level AND at the same time studying the new art of listening to constant whispers about my...wait for it...MARRIAGE. This I find strange and difficult to digest.

My parents want look for someone for me but others say I need find someone myself so does this mean my parents want an arranged marriage and others want a love marriage for me? If I find someone myself for marriage, am I in love? Does this make it a love marriage although technically speaking I'm not in love? However, if my parents choose a potential partner for me and want me to meet him and talk to him, does that make it an arranged marriage because ultimately I'm getting to know him aren't I so doesn't that change the concept? In the past, arranged marriages were easily understood and practised. Elders, wise people, heck, whatever you wanna call them, would find a suitable match based on status, education and religion and therafter the couple would marry. Easy huh? So why are we complicating this by adding more and more and more to the concept and making it suit our individual purpose.

Scenario 1: "I'm getting married to someone who someone recommended to my parents. Oh right, so how did this come about? oh, I've known him for awhile. eh?" Scenario 2: "I wanna get married to someone I met in Uni. Oh right, so have you been seeing each other long? No, it's not like that. We thought it makes sense to get married as we know each other and we're at the age." OK! Enough of the scenarios. These are examples I have heard myself from the horses' mouths so it's not made up. This spread of confusion has made arranged marriage and love marriage in Asian culture impossible to define and separate. So I introduce to you, the newly created and most appropriately named DERANGED MARRIAGE. I bet this makes more sense now. No room for confusion now. Just think, it's two in one. We don't need to hover between the two when telling people what kind of marriage we had. It's the modern, hip and up and coming word.

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THE HYPOCRISY of SOUTH ASIAN FAMILIES - Do women have chance?

The media has depicted women in Asian culture as being oppressed and dominated by male chauvinists. However, how much truth is in this perception of Asians in Britain? Are women suffering behind closed doors or has the media targeted them for aimless reasons?

As a British born Asian woman, I have observed from childhood the on goings of an Asian family in terms of the level of honour required for the functioning of the ‘extended family’. In my childhood if I recall correctly, it was fine I guess. However, reflecting back I seem to remember certain events that have perhaps made me the person I am today...bitter and twisted! Yes, I admit it. Coming from a family of five children in total, I have observed the hypocrisy of the men and WOMEN of such families in the sense that equality doesn’t exist. Yes, that’s right-it does not exist! The underlying reason for this is because the mothers of the family rear their children differently and a fault of each child is never concealed. For example, if you’re not a clever child, trust me they’ll let you know! And, if you are a clever child, you and everyone will know! There is no such thing as political correctness or sensitivity in an Asian family! Boys and girls are treated very differently with boys being loved and weighted on 24/7 and girls expected to stay quiet and obey. This seems quite harsh in this staying age but it most definitely happens but in a more subtle way. Example: a daughter/sister can study, work and go out (going out limited of course) and similarly a son/brother does the same however, the difference lies in the additional responsibilities required for each sex. Women: as an ancient sociologist has found, have a dual/triple shift whereas men...ZILCH.

Asian girls are expected to be educated to degree level, have had a good level of work experience and at the same time committed to household responsibilities and childcare if children are involved. Furthermore, they are always ALWAYS carrying the weight of the world and have to maintain the family honour. By this, I mean behaving like a good respectable woman, dressing appropriately, going to events with their mothers, cooking and cleaning etc. Men on the other hand can relax after a ‘hard day’s work’. Why is that a woman who works the same hours as a man, is treated differently? Why does an Asian woman have to work, study and then come home to do household duties? And, why is that men are fed hand to mouth by their parents when they return? How did this come about? Are we as women to blame? YES! We as women have burdened ourselves and created these selfish humans, rearing them to depend on us and in return getting constant criticisms and reminders of how disappointing we are.

OK, so where does hypocrisy come into all this? Well, Asians are born with dual standards. Basically, one rule for them and another for the WOMEN around them. Now, this isn’t just about men having double standards but women supporting such standards, namely, MOTHERS! Without demonising anyone in particular I’d like to cut to the chase. Daughters are expected in this contemporary society to learn how to do everything! But, when it comes to them wanting to pursue their interests, cultural norms come into play and in a nutshell a woman is put in her place with lines such as ‘it’s not right for young girls to do this, what will people say, it’s not safe’ etc and then marriage comes into play. Yes, another factor! ‘If you want to pursue your interests then get married and your husband will help you’. WHAT?

Women in Asian culture are allowed and often do what they want with limitations set by parents. However, this happens only when it suits everyone else in the family. The bottom line is women do not have the respect in society as a whole and in Asian family it is apparent as it’s blatantly pointed out. As a woman gets older in Asian culture, she becomes a burden on her family if she does not get married. Basically, families outgrow you! Shocking huh? But, that’s the brutal truth. Parents love their children but in this modern society, the concealed suffering of women continues. Asian families favour their sons’ interests more and disregard the interests of their daughters’ due to it being an inconvenience for the community as a whole. The expectations set by an Asian family are mainly for the daughters to live up to but not so much for the sons. This is the hypocrisy of Asian families present today.

http://moonbeam-womenandsociety.blogspot.com/
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